More lane rage

I've just resumed my swimming regime, after a break of over a month. Not a day went by when I didn't feel guilty about abandonning my ritual, but my excuse was I had a cough and cold. In reality, it was the warmth of my bed which lured me to stay in it. All its fault! Naughty bed.

Anyway, I had pushed the dreadful memories of lane rage deep into the innermost caverns of my psyche, only to have them dredged up again the minute I stepped into the pool (or at least, 5 lengths after I did).

I was feeling pretty damn smug. It was Sunday morning and I actually had to wait for the attendants to open the ladies changing room to let me out. I was that keen.

The pool was entirely empty. All mine. You can't believe how good that feels. I chose the lane nearest the steps and plunged in and immediately set about my routine, which is fairly dull, breast stroke up and down, obsessively counting lengths. I was slightly put out when a group of men emerged from their changing room, spilling out like so many caged animals, but they very politely left me alone and chose other lanes to occupy.

So, I was lulled into a sense of false security, and even felt quite content, until I saw 'the enemy' approaching. A small, large lady, donning goggles, stood by the bar at the shallow end, RIGHT IN MY PATH. I was outraged, couldn't believe it. Surely she would move before I trawled right into her.....?

But no, she stood her ground, not an eyelash was batted, which meant I had to swerve to avoid her. Surely these are not the rules? To make matters worse, she then claimed my lane as her own, and proceeded to plod along, at a very leisurely pace, which meant that I had to veer to avoid her. At one point, just as I pushed myself off from the side to turn into length number 28 (where she was having yet another little rest) she started to follow me, but, of course, I didn't realise, because she was behind me.

Though it was not intentional, but simply because the stupid woman was following me too closely, I was quite pleased when I managed to kick her in the head. Hard. It felt good, and of course I could rest assured it had been an accident. I longed to manufacture a few more of such 'accidents', just to make my point. Or poke her goggled eyes out. I had to make do with mentally forming her into a voodoo doll and stick a great deal of pins in her.

I haven't heard of a drowning at the local pool, but I didn't see her when I went again today. But the big fat man made up for her. He did exactly the same thing. What is it with people? I'm beginning to feel persecuted.

Slavery

I was waitressing the other day at the pub, at a table with two young boys, who had ordered a seafood platter, which I thought was very sophisticated of them. As I removed their plates and wiped the debris of crab, prawns and mussel detritus, one of them looked up at me and asked in a very serious voice: 'Are you a slave?'

That was quite a hard question to answer. It did make me chuckle.

I wish I'd said yes.

New Year again

What goes around comes around, so they say, and here I am again, pondering resolutions. I reread what I wrote last year and basically have the same resolution, which I never achieved, so don't know exactly why I'm bothering to try again. This time it's 'drink only four times a week and limit my drinking to 3 glasses of wine.' I know what Zoe will say. 'YEah, right Mum'. Such faith she has. But I actually believe I can do it, and now that I'm 50 I need to start conserving as many brain cells as possible.

Anyway, I am in contemplative mood, thinking about Josh sitting on some paradise beach in Goa, but also experiencing the English form of paradise in a crisp, sunny winter's morning with frost underfoot and everyone in the world walking their dogs and looking jolly.

So, life is good and I have a surprisingly optimistic feeling about 2010, which is most unlike me, because normally I live my life in fear and trepidation.

This is what I want from the coming year:

I would like my book to be published, or at least on the way to being published.
I would like Zoe to achieve her ambition to pass her course with a merit and find herself an interesting/challenging job.
I would like Yes Sir Boss to find a manager and be given the recognition they deserve.
I would like Ben to get back to Antigua and learn more Spanish and fulfil his dream to own a salsa bar so we can go and see him.
I would like someone to start buying Rob's photographs to give him the confidence to continue.
I would like peace in the world, the end to poverty and deprivation, the end of global warming... and a very small pay rise.

I'm not asking much, I know.

I just hope I'm not tempting fate.