I watched a child on the Beacon, where I walk the dogs, trying to skip a stone in the small lake up there. His mother was making the kind of encouraging noises mother's do, showing him how to hold it and throw. His first attempt was clearly a failure, it plopped into the pond more or less at his feet.
"Well done Freddy, you did it. That was lots of skips!!!"
(high pitched condascending voice).
"I did not. It didn't skip at all."
The boy was indignant. Understandably.
"It definitely had one skip."
His mother continued to enthuse, trying to cover up her previous 'exaggeration'.
The point of this observation is that it made me think about the lies we tell our children. Our motives are no doubt sound - we want them to feel good about themselves. But it is also very patronising and possibly damaging, to tell a child they have done well when they clearly haven't.
This kind of false, 'oh you're so good at that' flattery, might be well meaning, but it is also misguided. It teaches children some damaging lessons:
1. not to try (what's the point if everything you do gets a thumbs up)
2. lying is okay if you're saying nice things
3. not to trust people when they say you are good at something
There are, of course, ways round the 'lie'.
Teachers, especially, are extremely adept at coming up with phrases which, whilst not actually saying, 'Look, that was shit', don't actively tell a lie.
So they use phrases such as:
"It looks like you tried really hard on that."
"Nevermind, next time it'll be easier."
Or, throw it back to them:
"What do you think of it?"
That lets you off the hook entirely, because if they say, "I think it's brilliant," you can just say "Well done."
And if they say, "I think that was crap," you can say the "nevermind...." spiel.
The long term damage is obvious. Constant praise denies ever letting children feel failures. So, when it inevitably happens, it comes as a huge shock.
Look at all those wanna be singers who are clearly tone deaf, who are so outraged, humiliated and horrified when Simon Cowell tells them they're 'rubbish'.
"But my mum says I'm brilliant."
Oh dear.
So, mothers, don't be fooled into thinking that bigging up your children is necessarily good for them.
We all survived, and we're doing okay. Aren't we?
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2 comments:
On the other hand, a good parent's opinion can be so honest that you avoid contact with them and never show them your work. After all, if you can't please someone who clearly loves you, who can you please?
As a parent and a friend, I tend to stick to honesty, but sometimes have to remind myself to just shut up.
It's too easy to justify myself by saying that if I tell the truth, people will believe my praise when I give it.
Very true, constant criticism is equally damaging, but my point is these days we're encouraged not to be honest at times when we really should be, so as not to 'damage a child's self esteem'. Whilst I would never willingly destroy a child's self confidence, you have to be careful not to go too far the other way.
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