Job applications

Ben is trying to apply for a job. He doesn’t care what job, anything will do, so you may think this should be easy. But, gone are the days when you saw an ad in a shop window, went in and introduced yourself, had a quick chat and the next day you were back in, working there.

Nowadays you have a hundred hurdles to jump, including seemingly endless application forms to fill out and on-line‘tests’ to pass, examples of which I am about to give you. These tests, it seems to me, are totally idiotic and unnecessary, as well as giving you a completely false impression of the applicant, because they allow no room for intelligent questions. I’m a bit baffled as to what they hope to achieve.

This is a ‘scenario’ test for a job in a petrol station shop.

‘A customer comes in and wants to buy a sandwich. Identify the best and worst course of action’:

Sell them a sandwich and say ‘Have a pleasant day’.
Refer them to a meal deal
Ask if they need anything else
Ask if they’d like to buy a chocolate bar as well.

It seems to me all four are fairly reasonable.

Next scenario:

‘You’ll be closing the store for the night in ten minutes and the last three donuts will have gone over their sell by date by tomorrow. What do you do (best & worst)?’
(This is a deeply serious situation, obviously)

Dispose of the donuts in the stores bin
Give the donuts to staff members
Offer the donuts at a discounted price to customers
Take the donuts home

Well I think the best answer (for the company) would be number 3 because they stand to make some money out of their half stale donuts. Only a moron would think that 2 and 4 were the best answers, but which would be the worst? And aren’t there policies for this sort of thing?

Last one:

‘You’re working the late shift and the store is locked to customers (which means you take cover behind a hatch, but can still remain selling to customers). A seemingly quite drunk person asks to buy a bottle of whisky. Best & worse’:

Sell the whisky
Refuse to sell the whisky
Refuse to acknowledge the person
Tell the person you’ve run out of whisky

Quite frankly, unless you enjoy being physically abused, options 2 and 3 are out of the question, and option 4 might be a little dodgy, so the right option is obvious. And which is the worst option? But again, surely you would get some training in how to deal with drunk people?

So that’s what you’re likely to have to expect (and there are many more questions) to get a job as a shop assistant in a petrol station.

Obviously, to work in a petrol station shop you also need to wear a uniform, so the application form asks you to tick your size. Have you ever seen XXXXL before? That’s one big mama!


Next up is the local Sports Centre.

Here, you are given a list of 20 questions, each of which describes four characteristics (all of them positive). You have to choose two; the one most and the one least like you.

Here is an example:

- punctual
- a good team player
- polite
- well motivated

Now, I may just be stupid, but it strikes me that if you are all of these things, but have to choose one which is least like you, you’re in a lose/lose situation. Is it better to be impolite, or habitually late? It all seems so ridiculous. Why can’t they just talk to you? Or devise a simpler, more useful test?

Job descriptions, too, have changed dramatically. The other day the local Subway shop was advertising for ‘sandwich artists’??????

It’s a mad mad world.